Something as simple as seeing other children…
As I sit here on the river bank of Henley taking in some fresh air from the ever-suffocating thoughts that fill my mind, I find myself drifting in to that pit of ‘what if’. The wind is blowing lightly and, what looked warm from my bedroom window prompting my eluded decision to wear a thin cardigan over a Collette jumpsuit ,is now cold.
The ‘what if’s’ flood in, with reality ever growing, trying to squeeze its way through and find room.
I sit watching the boats, paddle boarders, rowers and families passing by. The sound of children seems louder than anything else. In reality- it usually is! And it doesn’t affect me, not in the way I thought it would. Not in the way that I think others think it would or does.
I find myself smiling. Clocking eyes on what these families are doing; Sharing conversations, climbing trees, chasing the birds, feeding the ducks.
I am imagining the story behind their lives.
A Granny has just passed by chasing her grandson who’s name was ‘Joshy’ and I couldn’t help but smile and chuckle a little. You could see she was trying to keep Joshy away from the water, giving him the freedom from the pushchair, by enticing him with a game of ‘who could reach the next tree first’. Grandad fast-paced walked behind with the pushchair smiling like a Cheshire Cat.
I want to cry, I’m sad but I’m smiling. I am acutely aware that my mum, my father-in-law won’t get that opportunity with Grayson. If I’m thinking that, what must they feel when they witness these family moments? Do they think & feel the same? Do their minds start to wonder to the what-ifs?
The reality is that when you lose a child, you can’t shut away from the world. That became evidently obvious to us very early on as we carried Grayson’s ‘sweet dreams’ box down from the hospital room that we said goodbye in and we were joined by a father carrying his daughter in the lift. He was hugging her so tightly and she held him looking over to us both. It felt like the world was putting two fingers up at us and saying “Fucking suck it up and get on with it”
I’ve just taken a look up from my iPad and two families have crossed the pathway- one in a pushchair with a young baby and another wearing a sling. These things are there and they always will be. They cannot be escaped- well they can but only if you lock yourself in your home. And that, I refuse to do. Yes, there are certain days when I will and bed will be my only friend however, this is reality- the world we live in.
I was so frightened of hating or hiding from others who had living children. Being envious of what they have and choosing to distance myself from them because I just could not cope with seeing them happy. Watching their children grow up knowing that Grayson will forever be 10 months and 2 days old. My life has revolved around children. Being one of 6 siblings and working in Childcare since I was 16, it scared me that maybe I could not face that world again. But I don’t and the way I have managed that in my own head is by this…
“Those children are their own person. They are not Grayson and they never will be (in the nicest way of putting it). They themselves did not take Grayson away from us. It is not their fault. These children we see, meet or whom become part of our lives are here to cherish. We cherish them in a different way but none the less- take it all in. Find the beauty in it all again.”
So what I wanted to say is that it’s okay to react to the way you feel. To acknowledge that maybe it feels hard, maybe it’s easy, that at times the pain may be excruciating but to allow yourself time to process this. Pregnancy, birth and birthday announcements may never be the same for you or they may be the same. Either way, this is okay.
Your feelings are valid in a world that is so unknown to you right now.
Take your time and be honest with yourself and others around you.
With Love
Faye x