Celebrating Summer

A blog written by Summer’s mummy, Polly Janes.

Back in March 2010 was one of the happiest/scariest days of my life....... I weed on a stick!! And there it was two lines strong and clear. I was sitting on my own in the public toilets of Sainsburys!

However the fear soon started to kick in. I had suffered a few years earlier from an ectopic pregnancy which lead to a Salpingectomy (surgery to remove the foetus and my right fallopian tube). I knew this reduced my chances of conceiving nevertheless, here I was pregnant.

The day is 23rd November I was a week over due and extremely uncomfortable, my hips hurt, my ribs hurt, my skin on my tummy hurt, even her movements hurt me! I was so looking forward to meeting my baby I was feeling impatient. 

oThe day was Tuesday and I went down to the hospital maternity triage at 8am for my sweep. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I was never scared of pain but then nothing about labour & birth had ever frightened me. I saw the midwife who checked her heartbeat “nice and strong” she said then I had my sweep. I must say it wasn’t the nicest thing I’d ever had done, it wasn’t painful just uncomfortable. She told me she could feel her head which sent butterflies of excitement inside me “yes everything is going as it should, your body is doing what it should, you are 2cm dilated and your cervix is soft”. Great I thought, labour is imminent!! 

As I left, they booked me in for 2 days’ time for another sweep although the midwife said to me on way out “you’ll be extremely unlucky if you don’t go into labour today”. Wow I thought, Im going to have my baby, no more just me, never again would I have a feeling of being alone it was always going to be the 3 of us. I knew we would leave her rarely, our first night out was booked 6th July 2011 to see Take That at Wembley.She would be 7 months, that’s ok I thought I’ll let my Mum look after her.

That day I sat at home with my Mum while my better half was working. We waited and waited, I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, something out of a film maybe? Instant pain which made me yelp? Waters gushing over the floor? Neither. My Mum stayed until about 6pm, we all had fish & chips and my bump was going crazy!! She was the most active baby, she moved all day every day. I first felt her move at 16 weeks, she was always on the go, I felt like I knew her personality already, a fidget haha! Thats how I kept track she was ok, if I went a few hours in the day of not feeling her I would have fizzy sweets or fresh OJ and lay down and there she’d go! Limbs were literally visible through my skin and I loved every minute of it.

That night we went to bed about 10pm, although it’s very hard to get comfy enough to sleep when your 9 months pregnant, propped up with pillows etc. Also, all I kept thinking was I’m going to have our baby tonight and my mind wouldn't let me sleep. Throughout the last 8 weeks, I had constant Braxton Hicks like my bump had been vacuum packed and it would make me unable to move. So, when I was lying in bed I got one, but it was nothing new. Although I did check the time 10.30pm just incase it was a contraction. I started to get some pains with this, and I started to feel anxious, was it wasn’t it? Am I going into labour or not? Come on, I couldn't wait to meet her :)

After another 3 or 4 tightenings and pains for over an hour, I suddenly felt a huge gush, it was warm and felt like it wasn't stopping, I woke my other half “this is it my waters have broken, Im scared”. He came to me, kissed me and told me not to worry and she was finally coming. I sat on the edge of my bed waiting for it to stop (as I thought if I stand up I’ll just make a mess on the floor) after a few minutes when it stopped I stood up I looked at the towel I had been laying (incase my waters broke I didn't want to ruin my mattress) but I didn't see any water, it was blood. To think now, I don't know how much there was I just saw a-lot of thick fresh blood on the towel. I screamed “it’s blood it’ blood”. I knew it was bad, I knew we had no time. Ive heard too many horror stories and watched too many baby programmes. I knew this was life or death, what I didn't know was who’s life, mine or hers? We ran down the stairs into the car without even picking up our phones. The journey to the hospital felt like miles when it’s only a few minutes’ drive. I remember feeling terrified in the car urging to feel her move “come on baby please just give me a kick” We were getting there quickly, we pulled up outside, left the car doors open and ran into maternity unit.

I had put a white tea towel between my legs, as we walked into the reception there was a midwife, she ushered us into the labour ward establishing details from me- how many weeks was I? Was this my first baby? I can’t tell you what was going through my head, I was terrified and panicking but I wasn’t allowing myself to think. I remember seeing the tea towel, it should of been white but it wasn’t it was sodden.

There was organised chaos in the room, lots of people all doing their own thing, they were telling me to calm down and I remember inhaling on the gas and air but I didn't want it, thats wasn’t going to make my baby ok! They couldn't find her heartbeat with the doppler or the mobile scanner. 

“We’re going to break your waters and put a clip on your babies head to see if she’s still alive”. No. What did they mean? how could my baby not be alive? There are no words to describe that fear. They broke my waters and picked up her heartbeat, albeit very slow. With that I was gone, I knew what was coming. Tthey were rushing me so fast down the corridor “We’re going to give you a c-section ok?” I didn't care what they had to do. Just get her out please and make sure she’s ok. I remember closing my eyes not wanting to be in the chaos. I didn't want to hear bad news. I lay in theatre with people running everywhere, I remember telling them to hurry up, it felt like everyone was moving in slow motion. All I could think was, just put me to sleep so I wake up with my baby. My boyfriend couldn't come with me as I was having a general anaesthetic, I felt so alone. I remember going to sleep and feeling a sense of relief to be out of this nightmare.

The next thing I remember is starting to wake up, before I could even think I was aware of severe pain from the c section, I hadn't had an epidural. Now I know I was only asleep for about an hour and a half. Then I heard a baby cry, I was scared to ask but I thought it must be my little girl and she’s ok! I asked the midwife where’s my baby. They told me she was very poorly, which I found hard to understand. How was she poorly? I was at the hospital that morning and she’d been wriggling around all night! I can’t really give too much details about the next few hours, all I remember is them telling me she was being transferred for a procedure called cooling to prevent any further damage, I was extremely confused by it all. I was full term and my baby was healthy- what the hell went wrong and why? I remember drifting in and out of consciousness and being in a lot of pain, shock and completely high on pain relief. One vivid memory is looking at the clock. It was ten to two in the morning and I thought to myself “My Mum thinks I’m in bed but I've had my baby and no one has any idea what’s going on”. I remember phoning my Mum from recovery still with an oxygen mask on and saying I’ve had the baby but they’ve told me she’s going to die. My Mums reaction was to shout “what do you mean? What are you telling me? have you had the baby?”

Again the order of things maybe very jumbled but I’m writing as I remember. They told me it took 24 minutes to get her heart beating, from then I knew it was bad, thats too long for anyone let alone a baby. They told me she was alive and being looked after but she had only 5% chance of survival and IF she survived, she would have severe brain damage. What the hell? How did it all go wrong? I was so desperate to see her all that time of waiting, so they brought me a picture and my first reaction was “OMG she’s huge”, she weighed 8lb 5oz and was covered in tubes and machines, my poor little baby, what had she been going through without us?. I was alone at this point as they had just taken my boyfriend up to meet our daughter. When he came back down to me, I could clearly see the sadness and distress in his eyes. She had had a cardiac arrest when he was with her and they had ushered him out of the room. Her heart failed, it was weak but she kept fighting and they got an output again. He sat with me and we tried to talk. He said he thought we shouldn't have her transferred as there was a high chance she wouldn't make it to the other hospital and then she would be alone. They told us her outcome was very bleak and she had been through so much in only a few hours, we decided together not to transfer her as there was never going to be a positive outcome and we wanted to be with her.

They got me into a wheelchair to take me up to see our baby, this should have been the happiest moment of my life and that couldn't of been further from the truth. I felt extremely ill and was in a lot of pain and trying to get my head around what was going on. I never had a sense of shock as I never believed I would be a Mummy because Im not that lucky, I felt like I’d been waiting the whole time for someone to tell me something bad and now they had, as if my gut knew.... this is the most fearful feeling.

On the way up to see her my heart and my head were crying but I couldn't physically cry because of the pain and I wanted to. I felt like I should have been and I needed to. I went into a room with a bed, I was boiling hot. I felt like I was going to pass out. I was asking them to open all the windows and they told me it would be too cold and they were bringing the baby in. I found this strange. You’ve just told me my baby isn't going to survive. What does it matter how cold the room is? I felt agitated, scared, disappointed. This wasn't how it was meant to be? Why my baby? Why us? I sat on the bed and they brought her in attached to a breathing machine, which was keeping her alive. I honestly cannot remember at that point what I was thinking .....

They handed me my baby, my little girl who I had waited so long for, my first thought was how do I know this is my baby? She was in a hospital baby grow, hospital hat and blanket. I remember staring at her. She didn't look like either of us? (I don't know what I was expecting) and she was lifeless. I held her and put my finger in her hand, only she didn't grip my finger. She had a tube in her mouth pulled tight across her cheeks. Then all of a sudden I thought I was going to throw up and I handed her to my partner “please take her take her”. I looked at him the most wonderful man I had ever met, who I knew was going to be the best Daddy anyone could ever wish for, holding his baby who wasn't going to survive. I felt like I’d let him down he’d been dragged into my world of bad luck. I saw the sadness on his face and my heart was slowly shattering.

It still felt very surreal, my thoughts were random, what am I going to do with her pram? her cot? her beautiful nursery? I’ll have to go to work again?  When I should have been cherishing those moments my mind was all over the place.

We knew the machine was keeping her alive and we made the decision to take her off the machine and let her rest. I was adamant I didn't want them to do this in front of me. What if she cries or gasps for breath? They took her away and took us back down to the labour ward. We were put in a room and it was now about 6am, then she was back with us. “She is still alive”, the consultant told us , but they didn’t know how long for. She told us to call them back in when we were ready. She went to hand my little girl to me. I couldn't hold her, I was petrified. What if she fights to breath? Gasps? Suffocates almost? So she went to her Daddy, he did it for us. He held her while she fell asleep forever. So brave, so strong, considerate, caring and loving he stood there with her. Again I don't know what I was thinking at that point, I remember the room being dark and it was really quiet in there. It wasn't long until he looked at me, I knew that meant she’d gone. Our baby had gone forever. I felt like I could then hold her because nothing could ever hurt her again now that all the bad had happened.

I held her, I looked at every bit of her, she had lots of hair and I think it would have been curly just like her Daddy's. I kissed, I told her I was so sorry for not being able to keep her safe, I told her how much I loved her, I don't know if she heard me and I don't know if she’ll ever know how much we love her to this day. We took pictures of her, her hair, her hands, her feet, everything. I changed into her own clothes and blanket, she was so big just in her nappy, so perfect, so pretty and so still. We cuddled her together me and my partner, we both touched her and kissed her. My mind was telling me not to make this any worse that it had to be. We couldn't keep her, we had to give her back. We spent about an hour with her, just the 3 of us and then called for them to take her. We wrapped her in her pink blanket, with a little pink teddy to stay with her. If I was told now in a ‘normal’ state of mind to give her back, I couldn't do it. There was never going to be a time where we thought Ummm, ok we’ve had enough now you could take her” So I knew it had to be sooner rather than later. We were put into a room at the back of the labour ward. It had a double bed, bathroom, sofa, tea and coffee, it’s like the constellation room.

We spent the next few days in hospital as I was quite poorly, inside I felt scared to face up to what had happened to me, to us. Within 8 hours our lives had been broken forever. I remember we cried a lot, we had visits from close family and friends. We found it was better when people were with us, giving us a distraction. We named our angel Summer, this really was our name from day one and it fitted beautifully. The care we had from the staff at Hillingdon Hospital was faultless, such kind, caring midwives who helped us through a horrific few days.

It's very hard to get your head round, to believe the tragedy that had sprung its ugly head in my life. Thoughts were running through my head, what had I done to deserve this? should I have known? How as a Mother could I not protect my baby from this?

We were told she had to have a post mortem, I didn't want this but it turns out they can do it without our consent so we were better off agreeing to it. It meant she was being moved around, alone, a feeling that, tore my heart apart.

I had had an Acute Complete Placental Abruption. All the blood I lost, had come from Summer and she was starved of oxygen and blood, which affected all her organs and mostly her brain. The hospital did everything they could. From the bleed at home to her delivery was just under 50 minutes but that was too long.

Now we had to face decisions ones most people will never ever face. Do we bury our baby or have her cremated? A funeral to organise, funeral songs to pick, people to tell. I found this hard, I didn't want to do it. It made me angry why, why did this happen? Summers Dad was amazing he took control of everything and kept me strong. We chose a celebrant for her service, and invited only close friends and family. I didn't want people coming for the sake of it to see us suffering, people who weren't interested in the pregnancy but wanted to come to her service. No. I didn't care if people were upset or not. This was our goodbye, this was our daughters time. We also decided not to have people send flowers, but to donate to the hospital neonatal department. We wanted to give something back to those who had helped all of us in our time of need. People were so kind and so generous, I was overwhelmed.

Almost 11 years on and it will always feels like I’m telling someone else’s. I will love and honour Summer for the rest of my life.

In total, we have raised over £8000 for different charities including Aching Arms, Child Bereavement UK and my local hospital.