The Reality of BLAW…

I’m trying to put in to words what this month has felt like, what its brought, what I’ve learnt. There has been so much. The heartache and the pain has been intensified. Like another level! 

I started this month not really knowing what it would bring. I mean lets be honest, that’s generally how our days begin but with each day, I seem to suss something out. Find a little bit more to give.

But October wiped me. I wanted to give so much, to hold myself up and shout every day #breakthesilence #raiseawarenessofbabyloss. I wanted to share every inch of Grayson, his journey, his life, our life and I don’t for one second regret that. I wouldn’t take back anything but what I didn’t consider, was time to take in everything else. When you thought it couldn’t hurt anymore you selflessly take in every ounce of others pain. You fill your body with every fallen tear of another parent until you drown. 

I’m openly admitting, I’VE DROWNED. And trust me, I’m not a good swimmer. 

I knew BLAW was not for us but more for the non-bereaved to understand us. There isn’t a specific day, week, month- this shit is life for us. I convinced myself that I could make a difference, maybe be that difference? I could stand tall with those parents whom this is not their first BLAW. And of course, I did that. We did that. But by fucking god, it has come with consequences.

I’ve had a nightmare almost every night which has left me calling out for Grayson.

I’ve sat questioning was there something we missed- reliving every second.

I’ve had major breakdowns and panic attacks.

If bitten through my lips on so any occasions I’ve lost count.

I’ve contracted shingles (that was pretty)

This isn’t a pity blog. This is me being honest with you all. You’ve seen me on stories with smiles, you’ve also seen me with tears. That’s how our days run. No control over feelings and emotions. There has been so much going on in the background too for Craig and I and we’ve run out of fuel.

There has been many positives and I wanted to end on this. I’ve found connection with others that I wouldn’t have necessarily found. We’ve bonded over Insta Lives, we’ve baked rainbow cupcakes, we’ve read together, we’ve worked out together, I’ve found Mindfulness & great podcasts and we had another incredible fundraiser for GLST.

Its been a month which has felt more like a year. But I’ve learnt. We’ve learnt and I suppose that’s a good thing? I’m happy to acknowledge that we done too much. To all those that felt this, give yourselves a pat on the back but also have a word with yourself. Acknowledge that you did as much as you could and accept, at times it was too heavy. Its okay to feel that, you did not fail anyone. You raise awareness everyday by just existing. We are bereaved, we are Vilomah’s.

Take care of yourselves- don’t burn the candle at both ends. Run yourself a bubble bath and put on a face mask.

All my love,

Faye x