Existing after loss…

I believe there will be a period of ‘living’ again. When? I don’t know but right now we exist! And whilst we exist, I want to talk about suicide but not suicide as you and I know it. 

I’m not suicidal and I don’t think loss parents are, we just don’t want to be here. Because being here without our child hurts- its painful to be here. In fact, it’s everything your body can never prepare for. When we say, “I don’t want to be here”. We are not saying we want to die. 

We are quietly screaming,

“I want to be with my baby. I don’t want them to be alone”

We are openly crying,

“HELP! This is unbearable”

We are not afraid to say,

“I’m not okay”

Do we not have the right to feel that way? To feel like we can’t go on? To protect that human we brought in to the world. To know that they wouldn’t be on their own if we were there with them. We fully understand that they have died... we are not stupid and for us to be with them would mean we would have to die too. Which we also don’t want to do- we just want to be zapped up and taken to them. 

Actually what we wanted was for them not to die in the first place. Oh its so bloody ridiculous, the more I say it, its harder to believe. I hope you get what I’m saying and where I’m coming from. Our world has been flipped 360 and there is no rewinding that. It’s happened and it won’t change. 

Everything, and I mean absolutely everything, that surrounds us from the moment we wake, to the moment we close our eyes (and that’s even if we do sleep) reminds us of Grayson. I think I can speak on behalf of all who have experienced baby loss there.

Doctors were quick to ask if we were thinking about taking our life, if we were having suicidal thoughts. And yes, I know that’s their job but we are not suicidal, we are not sick. We are grieving, we are bereaved, we are in pain. The child that we brought in to this world, we could not save. Thats hard to live with.

So whilst we battle through finding what we do on a day to day basis, that stupid shitty phrase “the new normal” that I so fucking hate yet it is simply quite true- please bear with us. Please keep talking to us, understanding as much as you can and know that when we say we don’t want to be here, it’s that we want to be with our child. 

We have days with smiles on our faces and laughter in the air and others not wanting to get out of bed & dragging ourselves through. Each day is filled with sadness but we’re still living and existing as best as we can.

Check in on those around you that have experienced loss. No matter the timeframe- 1 month, 1 year or even 20 years ago. That sadness, that pain, it doesn’t disappear. That want to be with their child or their child to be here, doesn’t just stop. Talk to them, tell them it’s okay to feel sad, lonely, pointless and useless. It’s okay to express themselves- not to hide it, not to cover it up with a fake smile. 

To add, if you have had suicidal thoughts then you know what, I think that’s only human. Considering the events that you have had to face, what you have had to see- I understand.

I stand with you, I hear you. I may not know you and our journeys are different with similarities but I’m proud of you. Reach out to anyone- you’re not expected to be alone. Even though you may feel it. 

If you are reading this and are bereaved, know all that I have said above is my truth, my honesty. If you are reading this and know someone who is bereaved, send this to them. You may not know the right words to say, but sending this will let them know you understand and are there with them and for them.

Faye x