Lets Start…..
Well this is all very new... in fact, these 146 days have been very much ‘new’ to me, to us! A new that we never wanted...
This is my first ever blog so please bear with me. I’m Faye, Grayson’s Mumma (Sorry to those who dislike ‘mumma’. It’s what he knew me as, not as mummy or mum)
I wanted to make a promise to you all before I start. I will always be honest and open in my writing. Well as open as my heart allows me to be on that day, at that specific time but always honest. Right now I have no limitations on what I will share, sometimes that may come with a trigger warning. I want to shout everything from the rooftop. I want to share my baby boys story with the world. I want to raise awareness. I want to hear his name... at the end of the day which parent wouldn’t.
For those of you who know me, well you are one of the lucky ones! For those who don’t, here’s a little snippet about me.
I am 30 years old
I am one of 6 siblings (joint middle child)
Qualified childcarer so have spent my entire career in childcare
Married to Craig (Grayson’s Dadda) who I’ve been with for 16 years (school sweethearts, yep yuk)
For those who haven’t read our story yet and have stumbled across this blog first, please do take a look at our story. The website link I have put here for quick reference. https://www.graysonslegacysupport.co.uk/read-me It may help to understand where I am going with this blog but I will also be sharing some more about our story later on.
I wanted to talk about something that has been a huge eye opener for me since Grayson’s death and that’s the taboo around baby loss. There is this fear, like I’ve never known fear. Fear that should you mutter the words surrounding said matter that you are opening up a wound. Fear of the awkwardness that follows in that conversation. Fear of emotions that follow- those heavy filled tears falling. It’s almost as if I can hear peoples thoughts; What do I do if that happens?
Do I give them a hug or a pat on the back?
Lean forward and hold a hand?
Hold them so tight I take the breath out of them but then is that too much?
Cry with them but then I don’t want to seem like I’m taking all the ‘limelight’ after all its not my baby that’s, you know...
Let me tell you something- YOU DO WHATEVER THE HECK FEELS RIGHT TO DO! DO NOT FEAR- DO YOU!
We are not taught how to deal with baby loss. Gosh I know that only too well myself. It’s like a part of the world that has always been more hush hush. Of course, we all know about death. It’s the natural process of life. You live, you die right? Usually of a ripe age. Of an age where you’ve almost completed life. You’ve worked through those ‘stages’ of the game. You have been given the chance to reach those golden rings like on Sonic (can you tell I’m a 90’s baby). Those golden rings being the experiences we’ve always dreamt of- dream job, holidays, relationships, marriage, a family. Those moments that take your breath away.
Baby loss/death goes against all that and when that happens, it creates fear. Ive spent a lot of our grieving time so far researching bereaved families stories. Looking for the answers to say ‘We are not alone’. One thing I have found is that of the ‘Taboo around a baby’s death’ and that’s why I wanted to start my first blog on said subject.
For us to move with our loss, I don’t want others to shy themselves away from us because of the fear. We don’t want to, in fact we cannot lose anyone else because you couldn’t find the right words to say, you didn’t know what you could ask, you didn’t want to accidentally say Grayson’s name.
By doing all the above you help us with our journey. Trust me, the worst shit has already happened- nothing that you say could cause anymore pain.
So as we continue with the website, the blog... it means we are surviving, we are existing. And we stand here for our Grayson.
Please do not fear. If you can and you want to travel this journey with us, then we thank you. If you can share our blogs, our post, our sons smile, then please know you are helping to spread awareness and for that we are entirely grateful. If at any point, it becomes too much, we understand and we thank you for riding what you could.
From the bottom of our hearts, we love you.
Speak soon,
Faye x